Throughout your life FEAR will always find a way to make a guest appearance. FEAR will never show up without a story…a story from your past that replays in your present and future mind that has convinced you that you will not succeed if you tried again or even tried at all. The details in the story are so believable and difficult to imagine past the pain. You have carried that pain because you have convinced yourself that you can’t do it. But I’m here to report to you that as I continue to work on every area of my life that is still dealing with FEAR, there is one area of my life that I conquered FEAR after several years of replaying the story….
I call this blog “Fear 2.0”
I was in middle school at a pool party and while standing at the edge of the pool one of the boys at the party was playing around with some of the people there and as he was running around, he came by me and with both hands, pushed me from behind into the 8 feet part of the pool. All I can remember is me fighting the water terrified because I could not swim. While in the water bobbing up and down, I managed to fight my way to the side of the pool and I pulled myself up as much as I could then I felt the help of 2 adults. In my mind I was drowning but I don’t know if that was known at the time until I was able to catch my breath and then I said to the 2 adults that helped me that I was drowning in the pool and I then pointed to the boy who threw me in. I asked to be picked up early from the party due to being embarrassed and humiliated and the little boy got in trouble. This is the incident that birthed the FEAR of swimming.
Fast-forward to 2005: I am now a young adult in my 20’s and I took a trip to Hawaii for my birthday with a girlfriend. I told her I could not swim but I would try snorkeling since you didn’t have to go out into the deep parts of the water. My thought was I could just stick my face in the water with my facemask and head out maybe 2 or 3 hundred yards from the shoreline. It was an epic fail. The girlfriend that was with me didn’t know how to speak to my fear and help me develop the confidence and knowledge I needed in order to snorkel. It doesn’t make her a bad person at all but it was a reminder to me that conquering fear not only is an inside job but it also includes having the right people in your life who can speak directly to that fear.
Fast-forward to 2014: I reached a point of no return with fear and finally got up the nerve to tell a friend that I needed to learn how to swim so one Saturday in the summer time we went to an indoor pool at a recreation center and he spoke to my fear. He convinced me to put my trust in him and not fear by stating his credentials and experience. The longer he talked and showed me in the water that I was in good hands, the more trust I developed in him. After a few hours of applying the technique that he taught me, he slowly let my hand go but stayed in arms reach as I successfully, for the first time, swam a lap across the 8 foot depth of water to the opposite end of the pool. I kept swimming until fear was completely eliminated from my mind.
Fast Forward to 2019 – January 7th – 11th I took a vacation with a girlfriend to St. Lucia and at the time did not know she was not only an amazing swimmer but her favorite thing to do on vacation was to snorkel.
Even though I was now confident in my swimming ability, I still had a fear about snorkeling that never left me from that Epic Fail in Hawaii that still played in my mind. I told her my fear with snorkeling and she convinced me to put my trust in her and not fear by stating her credentials and experience. The longer she talked and showed me in the water that I was in good hands, the more trust I developed in her
She never stops talking to me in the process, which gave fear no opportunity to replay my mental story
Slowly but surely I’m snorkeling…the epic fail from 2005 convinced me that the rambling of the sound of water which reminded me of the fight I had in the pool as a young girl in middle school robbed me of a beautiful experience. Now as an adult I am blown away at the quietness of the water and the visible beauty of the fish and the coral of the ocean. I jumped out of the water and said out loud in amazement how quiet it is underwater and how proud I am that I can enjoy this experience without fear. This snorkeling experience allowed me to see some beautiful sergeant major fish as my girlfriend threw bread at me so that she could snap the perfect picture.
While conquering one fear, another fear made an encore appearance but in a different form. You see, fear is very sneaky and will show up when you least expect it. What I learned about the difference between Fear and Truth is that fear is False Evidence Appearing Real and believing Truth in a matter means conformity to fact or reality. In both situations the 2 individuals that were with me when fear tried to replay the story of failure in my mind, they both presented credentials and evidence in order for me to conquer fear. That’s the power of TRUTH. It will always have real evidence to confirm it’s validity but Fear will make false claims that will always look and feel like its real.
It’s not necessary to always have someone there in order to conquer fear because you have the power to change that fear in you on your own but in my case, God positioned the right people around me who helped me to develop the confidence and skills in order to combat fear. Question? If you took inventory of the people around you do they have the ability to help you fight fear? As you continue to live, you will begin to understand the importance of connections and attachments. While connections will feed you (ex: enhance your well being), attachments will drain you (ex: take more than it gives and rarely if ever reciprocate what’s being given). Fear has to be conquered from the inside out so monitor the voices in you and around you.
Xoxo Charlene Evans
Facebook: Chiccy Baritone ~ Poet
Annually for the past 10 years I would do a 21 day fast the first 21 days of a New Year. It’s my personal way to spiritually cleanse not only my body but my mind and to seek guidance from the holy spirit concerning my life, assignments that God have put in me to do and my overall journey to becoming the woman of God that He has destined me to be. But this year, God “flipped the script” on me and in my prayer time unctioned me to fast the LAST 21 days of the year going into the New Year and today is day 21. I wanted to share a ‘few’ things that have happened in the last 21 days.
When I think it through, the holidays are ALWAYS hard and honestly I just want to close my eyes and wake up to a New Year as a way to ‘bypass’ experiencing another holiday without my mom or a family of my own. But God always orchestrates my time and company constructively. He fills that void with family and friends that reach out to me intentionally to make sure they extend an invite and I’m forever grateful. It took me years to understand and accept to appreciate and celebrate the ones that are here and make their presence in your life known.
On my 21 day Sabbatical I ‘stepped away’ from all of my social media activity. However, because I am an artist and still receive inquiries about bookings through my personal page, I did log on to redirect those inquires to my booking manager. I didn’t scroll or look at my timeline….I know, it was tempting but I was in a good place with the time away and I was hearing God instruct in several areas of my life in a “clear and precise” manner without distractions and that became more important for me to get back to so the temptation was very short lived.
So what did I do? Here are a few things I want to share:
- I had the honor and privilege to speak at a women’s conference called,”Im God’s Girl For Real” in Orlando, FL and was sitting next to a one of the speakers name Candice Jones who wrote a book called,”Food For Faith – 14 Days of Powerful Declarations To Fuel Your Faith.” I read this book the first 14 days of my 21 day fast and these declarations reinforced my love for God and my FAITH. The remaining 7 days, I would go back and re-read my declarations. This book is a must read. Please visit http://www.candicejones.com to get your copy!
- I started the Keto Diet after 2 weeks of research on my own and testimonies from a co-work who’s wife has been dedicated for almost a year. I downloaded the e-book,”Getting Sexy With Kendra – Living A Ketogenic Lifestyle” and this girl is BAD! *smile*….In a nutshell the regimen is based on high fat, moderate protein and low carbohydrates. This forces the body to use dietary and bodily fats as it’s primary energy source, rather than running on carbohydrates; this is called ketosis. I have had to make some adjustments to my macros as my body had to adjust to this change and let’s just say, I’m definitely headed in the right direction! I feel amazing and this journey continues on~
- I will be a first time author in 2019 and this time has been spent working on 2 major books that are very personal to me that I started years ago but have struggled to finish for various reasons. A book about my mom and her health journey and what God showed me and continues to show me with the hopes that someone will be encouraged and blessed by my testimony. My other book will be my long awaited poetry book. I was able to really focus and go deep in my heart, mind and soul on these two projects and I’m excited about releasing them to the public.
When was the last time you ‘stepped away?’ from the digital world because the pull on your life was felt in such a powerful way? Did you obey that feeling or did you make excuses? Sure, I have a consistent online presence and I’m sure my followers would be wondering what’s going on but where does your devotion truly lie as it relates to you life for real? Distractions are not always bad and they are not always good but they can affect productivity and that is what God showed me about ‘me.’ In my idle time, I habitually would pick my phone up and scroll through my social media sites and God told me that you are not using your time ‘wisely’ and your assignments are being delayed. It arrested me in a way that I will do no justice in trying to ‘explain,’ so I obeyed and God downloaded more the plan and purpose for my life to me. I’m still going through what He said and i’m looking forward to sharing my spirit….
2019…….as declared by my pastor, Anthony Murray of Oasis Church, the year of INVESTMENT….2018 was the year of PREPARATION. My first year being a resident of Atlanta, GA was spent preparing and growing publicly and privately but what I have gained in insight PRIVATELY? To be continued……
Happy New Years Eve….May you enter into a New Year with a renewed mind:-)
I notice over several weeks going into my office building a sign that was posted on a door leading out to the parking garage. This sign simply said, “Pardon Our Progress.” The more I would read this sign coming in every morning for the past several weeks, the more it begin to resonate in my spirit. I begin to think about how that simple message has so much profound meaning. The phrase made me think about myself and what kind of progress have I made. Sure, this message was on the door in lieu of the entire building going through various stages of construction but I could not help but think to myself, “Pardon My Progress.”
But it doesn’t make sense right? Because the meaning of Pardon is: the action of forgiving or being forgiven for an error or offense and when I think about some of the things I have changed in my life for the better, I don’t owe anyone an apology for that! So it’s really a little play on words. To define Progress means forward or onward movement toward a destination.
I am familiar with seeing a sign of this nature especially when some kind of work or construction is being done and it would normally say, “Pardon The Mess,” which made more sense. But the phrase, “Pardon Our Progress” is intended to state that this mess that you see now, is a work in progress towards something greater, an improvement, an upgrade. (WHEW~ That BLESSED ME!)
One major change I made on April 11, 2018 was purchase an Apple Watch to keep me accountable with my physical activity and to commit to a workout time that would best accommodate my busy days. For the past 2 months I have been getting up at 5am Monday – Friday doing ‘fasting’ cardio for 30 – 45mins to kick off my day. This change has made a major impact on my life in multiple ways: My energy levels are up and when I get to the office I am ready and alert for work. I love coffee but I don’t feel like I have to depend on it to perk up my mood. I feel better and my body, along with watching my food intake, has resulted in a stronger, healthier body as I continue to slim down gradually.
This change physically has also changed my time management. I wasted a lot of time after work watching several hours of television leaving only a few hours to read and to work on more constructive projects. I really desired to get in more time reading but also time to work on some personal business goals for myself. As a result of staying more active during the day, it helped me to focus longer in the evenings without feeling too tired from the work day. Talk about a huge CHANGE for me! Progress should be measurable in order to be effective meaning you should know what you should change, create a record and test through trial and error. Progress always involves risk. “You can’t steal second base and keep your foot on first.” ~quote by Fredrick Wilcox
Look at it this way also…Progress does not only just involve all of the positive changes you have made but mistakes and failures are also progress! Especially if what you have learned has taught you what not to do! This result gets you closer to a solution or destination in your life because the goal is to be able to look back over your life and witness to progressive changes of yourself. There is a quote by Muhammad Ali that says, “A man who views the world the same as he did at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life.”
Let that marinate….
So, let me give it to you All Black, No Creamer, No Sugar, No Honey…
You have talked yourself into thinking a little change isn’t worth the effort because you looked at the end result from the end instead of looking at the end result from the beginning…the bible says to not despise small beginnings, for the LORD rejoices to see the work begin..(Zechariah 4:10). Progress is Progressive….it doesn’t go from 0 to 100…it’s 99 other steps that you missed or ignored. Take it one step at a time until what you desire is present.
So “sorry not sorry” for how I have progressed in a little over 2 months. I don’t owe anyone an apology but I owe it to myself to do whatever I need to do in order to present my BEST self. #unapologeticallyPROGRESSING…..are YOU?
Xoxo Charlene Evans
Facebook: Chiccy Baritone ~ Poet
Are You Coming In Or Are You Staying Out?
I can remember on those hot summer days playing outside with my friends, we will make frequent stops at my house to either use the bathroom, get something cool to drink or going in and out “just because”. I can still hear my mom screaming from the inside of the house saying, “Are you coming in or are you staying out, because you are letting mosquitos inside the house!” My friends and I would quickly run out and shut the door behind us. My mom was very adamant about a decision being made and if we didn’t make it she was definitely going to make it for us. Having the door swinging open and close was never an ideal situation because not only were mosquitos a problem, so was her central air! Running your air conditioning unit in the summer was expensive and my hard working parents didn’t play that!
When I think about the importance of understanding the changes in relationships (platonic and personal), I feel like my mommy and her feelings on letting the air out. A decision has to be made. Either you are in or you are out. Managing and dealing with relationships changing is tough and sometimes down right difficult. Whether you have been friends over several years or made an acquaintance with someone fairly new that you are interested in, feeling like a relationship is starting to feel or become lukewarm has to be acknowledged but not necessarily addressed. This depends on the nature of the connection and the reason you may feel that it has reached an ‘in-between’ state.
Guess what? This is also the same way we deal with our personal relationship with God. We are in and out..just fickle… Sometimes we go to church and sometimes we don’t. We don’t pray and sometimes we do. We don’t read our bibles to gave knowledge and wisdom and sometimes we do. We don’t cultivate the relationship and build on desiring a deeper relationship with God for various reasons and then claim to not understand why we are not experiencing the fullness of God. The bible calls this behavior being ‘lukewarm.’
“So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth.” ~ Revelation 3:16
This is by no means a personal attack, so please don’t take it as such. Rather, think about the areas in your life where you know you could give God more because we ALL have them. Let me raise my hand FIRST! Just like you don’t care for someone who seems to be ‘in and out’ of your life, God feels the SAME way! As a matter of fact, He is so disgusted by this behavior that He says that he is about to spit you out of his mouth! What an analogy. Picture THAT!
Make a decision about who you desire to be in God. When you think about your relationship with God, does it represent growth? If it was a chart will it have multiple spikes of high and low points or will it be a curve (not a perfect curve), but one that shows an increase that shows that you are not the same person you was 20, 15, 10, 5 years or even a month ago?!? Don’t spend your life running ‘in and out’ of your ‘Daddy’s (The Lord) house. No, once you make a choice you then form conscious, intentional decisions to walk with God every step of the way. Life is short and at some point that door to life is no longer going to swing in and out….so where will you be? IN or OUT.
Xoxo Charlene Evans
Facebook: Chiccy Baritone ~ Poet
Now and Later
When I first moved into my house ( January 2011) in Greenville, SC, I was shopping for home decor and paintings like crazy the first couple of months. I was so consumed with trying to decorate and complete every room of the house as quickly as possible. My mom gave me the greatest advice as she watched me stress myself out in this pursuit and she said, “Do one room at a time. When you purchase something, place it in the room and feel the flow of that item in the room. Either it will go with the flow or interrupt the flow and in that case either you need to move it to another location or move it out.”
One particular item that I purchased during this time was a metal flower that had multiple colors. I really liked this flower but it just didn’t ‘fit’ the feel of every room or hallway that I tried to hang it in so I put it away in my closet and would remind myself periodically that I had it and need to use it to decorate a space somewhere in the house. 7 years later, that flower stayed in that closet and never was used. For some reason I never felt compelled to sell it, give it away or even throw it away, even after I sold the house. As I packing my house to relocate to Atlanta, GA I came across this flower. I thought to myself, well, I didn’t use it in Greenville, SC so maybe I will have a space for it in Atlanta. At the time, I didn’t have my residence picked out yet so I did not know if Atlanta was going to be the place where my flower would finally hang. So I included the flower with all of my belongs that were being shipped to Atlanta, GA.
Fast forward to February 2018. I am now in my new place in Atlanta, GA. As I was unpacking my art and home decor, I came across the flower and yes; it flowed very well with my space here! I smile at the journey this flower has been on and how I never felt led to let it go but to wait on the right environment for it to be a part of. An environment where it will enhance the feel and flow of the room. It didn’t feel forced to be a part of the home décor vision. It was created for this space at this appointed time.
I look at my life and what God has equipped in me. Those gifts, opportunities and abilities are not in vain just because they didn’t manifest when and where you thought they would. This is bigger than a flower brought in Greenville, SC that is now being used in Atlanta, GA, but I know you knew that…(smile). This is about never giving up or feeling like what you have inside of you will never get an opportunity to minster outside of you. God has appointed a time, place and season in your life where He will manifest what He has equipped in you. It may not be for where you are now, but trust me, it will be for later.
Believe. Work. Wait.
Xoxo Charlene Evans
Facebook: Chiccy Baritone ~ Poet
Hurry Up And Wait
I took myself to brunch after church this past Sunday and once I arrived at the restaurant, I was told there was a 45min wait. I know that normally if you are by yourself, you could just walk up to the bar and eat but the hostess quickly informed me that even the bar area had a ‘wait.’ Standing there for about 2 seconds longer than I needed to, I wanted to leave. Yes, I was hungry but not starving, the motivation was more towards the fact that the wait seemed unbearable. So without thinking any further, I decided to take a seat and wait it out. After only 15mins of waiting, my name was called and I jumped up! I quickly grabbed my purse and put an extra ‘pep in my step’ just in case he changed his mind! Hahahha! I placed my order and my food came quick, not to mention, it was also very good and tasty. I took my time eating and thinking to myself how I’m growing in the area of patience. I almost made an emotional decision that would have made the wait longer. I have been doing this a lot lately and that is, waiting beyond my comfort and praying to God to help me while I wait. Exercising my faith in waiting has been a great challenge for me as I watch areas of my life unfold totally opposite of “my” timeline. In the mist of waiting, God has the ability to change every situation as quickly as he wants to because the laws of man do not define HIM. Your life can change in a blink of an eye and I can testify to that. But I thought about the result of me waiting and how much I will enjoy the reward after I have waited. This wait was a test of obedience and patience. My willingness to wait resulted in me not waiting as long as I thought and my food was worth that 15mins. God made the 30 min difference and expedited my request…not because I asked, but because I waited.
My Prayer: God, you KNOW our beginning, our end and everything in between. Anxiety is never worth the stress of worrying about situations we cannot control. Help us to desire letting you LEAD and relinquish control. Build areas of weakness into strength. Build our trust and faith in your PLAN. Help us to not grow WEARY in well doing while we WAIT. Let the PEACE of Christ rule in our hearts and keep us! God I will trust in you and your timing, not my own! AMEN!
xoxo Chiccy Baritone
Facebook: Chiccy Baritone ~ Poet
A poem dedicated to a real issue in America…Police Brutality
The inhuman behavior that confesses hate so fluently has a root
Check the soil because it determines the identity of your truth
The soil of a human is red
It has four chambers not flower beds
Receiving and releasing generational poison
Pure love has the ability to filter through taught and learned hate
Love is too great to lose
When shown, it prevails everything
Birth into inequity I understand that sin is in me
But what I do to prevent and dispel evil is a moral choice
Mom and dad taught me to choose mankind over a kind
I can remember pigmentation, not skill, was the reason my daddy couldn’t
try out for Basketball in high school but he still chose love…
I can’t imagine
And I remember, being a young girl on vacation to Dollywood in the
mountains and while waiting to be seated to eat at a restaurant, we were
denied service and my dad chose love…
We walked out and ate somewhere else
Too young to understand but my examples practiced what they preached
As I watched, looked, listened and my heart followed
A well, guarded heart that didn’t allow the issues of life to flow without
Because my root has always been love
Even when love was hard to find between hurt, tears and reality
That had nothing to do with me
Matters of the heart are disproportionally killing America
Bleeding internally from dis-ease
That seems to be connected to your sight
I don’t believe you are colorblind
Because that would mean that everyone is receiving the same treatment
You are only as blind as you want to be
Ignorance has become brutal
Before turning deadly
What is it? Tell me…what is it that you revert to in your heart that has
Pulled on but not able to uproot?
It has grown and continues to deny any food of truth
You were not born that way
Hearts become impure
Expose and remove contamination
Pump God in
When will you stop abusing authority?
What will it take for you to stop before it hits home
Because with hearts that choose to not know God
Revenge gets ugly
What if you were holding the power to break this cycle?
What if your decision to kill perception and bury experiences that
influenced police brutality ceased because you chose to speak?
Nothing will change until you change
And when you change
We all will change..
xoxo Chiccy Baritone
Facebook: Chiccy Baritone ~ Poet
It’s Not By Accident
On Friday, May 12, 2017 I was involved in a 4-car accident and I was the first car hit. I was on my way to work and it was around 7:15am. I-85S was busy as usual and the traffic was in a ‘bottle neck’ state of stopping and going then all of a sudden it stopped. The car behind me didn’t stop and smashed into me at the rear pushing me into the car in front of me who then hit the car in front of it. So the car that hit me was a young man who said nothing but, ”I’m sorry” when I asked, ”What were you doing?” with the hopes that he would answer me knowing inside that he was not paying attention. The car I hit in front of me was a woman who was in a Ford then she hit the woman in front of her who was in a Lexus. Shortly after the accident was over but before the cops arrived on the scene, the woman that I hit in the Ford moved her car away from the accident scene, which immediately was fishy to me. This crash caused every car involved to have damage on their cars but I later learned that the woman that I hit and her strange behavior would later come back to me.
I received a call probably about a month after the accident from a Lawyer who was representing the woman in the Lexus. He needed me to fill out an Affidavit (An Affidavit is a sworn statement that may be notarized and/or witnessed to represent your full and honest answers to questions you may be asked or issues you may be requested to address. It has the same legal standing as sworn testimony in a court of law.) stating my side of what happened on the day of the accident because the lady in the Ford said that she did not put the damage on the Lexus. Wow?!? That was impossible with the impact of the crash so with no hesitation, I definitely was going to submit my side because it was the right thing to do.
But my actions would serve to be more critical then I thought…
I received a phone call from the lady that was hit in the Lexus who asked if I had returned the Affidavit to her Lawyer and I told her yes. She explained to me that the insurance company of the guy at fault was told by the woman in the Ford that she did not cause damage to her car when it was hit and they needed a statement in order to take responsibility for the damage on her car. This situation held up the lady in the Lexus from getting her car fixed because of the two parties involved not being in agreement to what happened.
Why did she refuse to tell the truth? What was she hiding or trying to avoid?
I then begin to think about this deeper as God spoke to me revealing a powerful revelation about this accident that is synonymous to what the power of God and the intervening of the Holy Spirit will do for us in a time of crisis.
I was sandwiched in between two cars, which caused injury to my neck and my back as a result of the impact from the hit from behind and the push back from the car in front, but I still WALKED AWAY verses being pronounced DEAD ON THE SCENE. 2 Corinthians 4:8-9 says, “We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed, we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed.” THAT scripture encouraged me so much! I could have experienced much worse injuries but God’s angels of protection were on their post that morning!
Follow me….I’m going somewhere…God will bring this together….
God kept me a live because I am the only one out of the accident that could bare witness to the last car that was hit being in dispute with the car behind it saying they did not cause the damage. The Affidavit that I gave was the only witness the lady had in order to prove she was not telling a lie.
I felt such a peace when God said to my spirit, ”I will be your witness in times of trouble even when it seems like every witness around you is not supporting you. Because I am alive in spirit, I will never leave you or forsake you. All you need to do is to stand still and seek the salvation of the Lord, which He will accomplish for you today! Hold your peace, I will fight for you!” Exodus 14:13-14
It was not by accident the way God orchestrated the events that morning. He is a master strategist and nothing catches Him by surprise. Hindsight is so powerful and the revelation behind incidents in life oftentimes is much bigger than the incident. If God brings you through it, He has use for it in another season of your life…stay tuned!
Xoxo Chiccy Baritone
Keep in Touch!
Facebook: Chiccy Baritone ~ Poet
Personal | Profession | Passion
~ It’s Personal
I have been in love only 2 times in my life. Once while in college and the second time in my mid 30’s. The second time around was the closes that I had ever been to walking the aisle but what sticks out more to me was the “labor of love” that I poured into trying to understand myself and the man that I felt was my forever. During the hardest times of accepting what I knew to be true from the beginning, I learned the most!
The Pain Of My Fallacy:
- ……removed the need to ‘gamble’ with my expectation vs. his reality
- ……corrected a perception that I had about the term ‘potential’ mate. When I looked at the word and thought about what potential is, I discovered that I always focused more on what potential could become verses the fact that ‘potential’ is a energy about a person that is stored or dormant and it shows the capacity of something that is to become or develop into something in the future…if it has not moved out of its current state, what you see, is what it is. Nothing more…nothing less.
- ……taught me that you can’t revise God’s plan for your life. His timing, His strategy and purpose for divine connections with people cannot be forced or created by you. When we spend more time trying to make something work out of His will, because He is not the author of confusion (1 Corinthians 14:33), we are forfeiting our trust in the plan and purpose our creator has ordained for our lives before the foundations of the earth.
~ My Profession
If I could draw a chart to illustrate my career over a 16 year period it would look something like this::
Blue Block = the first 5 years of working
Green Block = working 6 to 10 years
Orange Block = working 11 to 15 years
Red Block = working 15 to 20 years
I bet some of you are wondering why are the blocks going down verses going up?
Glad you asked!!!
This graph has been illustrated to friends when I discuss my current state of working…how I feel like my climb up into my profession has ‘felt’ like it has been a steady ‘decline’. The progression of knowledge that I have obtained was not being illustrated in the “natural sense” and it gave me a feeling of confusion, frustration and resentment…..until I begin to look at it differently and allow God to ‘show’ me what was happening in the spirit realm so that I can trust Him while I walk out two very contradicting realities…
The Pain Of My Fallacy:
- …..deepened my dependency on my faith in GOD. If I know Him as a God who makes no mistakes, then WHY am I questioning this ‘season’ of my life? He has allowed this to happen because what He is teaching me is equipping me for the multiple ways He will be using me.
- …..matured me. Responsibility is your ‘ability to RESPOND’ and my response to this painful time had to change. It does not take away from the fact that pain will cause you to respond at times in a negative way but do you go back to correct it? Do you think before you speak? I have to give credit where credit is due…my response changed due to practicing the power of the PAUSE. My mentor and good friend Dr. Katrina Spigner not only discussed this action but she practices it in her own life. I have observed her over the years PAUSING before she responds and the result in seeing it changed my life forever. Initiating this small but powerful change has literally been my saving grace!
- …..revealed that what is happening IN me is building endurance in order to carry the multiple assignments for my life. It feels like I am going through boot camp and in order to physically get through this obstacle course, I must build up my spiritual muscle in areas of my life that need to grow. Building these areas will create the perseverance needed in order to complete this course. The building of my: Character, Focus, Integrity and Love has allowed me to trust the greater plan for my life…and that trajectory is going UP…Faith must be your guide, not your eyes…
~ I live for my Passion
Loving words…and formulating them to telling a story, poetically, is my Passion!!!
When I think back, the inception of this love was circa 1995 while performing in my High School Pageant. This extended into my college years, which lived only in a notebook until I released it publicly at an open mic in Orangeburg, SC right before graduation in 2001. That night I shared prayers on paper that kept me through some of the most challenging years of my life—college. I experience great pain and life altering events that have shaped me forever. This passion is my LIFE, literally. My spirit connects to everyday life through words…I see and hear poetry in everything unintentionally and naturally. I credit this ability to my creator, my friend and the love of my life, Jesus the Christ. I have witnessed through the words that He construct into poetry ministering into the lives of people in ways I could never predict. This gift does come without a ‘cost’ or ‘price’ to pay. But when you are called, you understand that pain associated to your God-given Gift is one of the greatest teachers…
The Reality Of My Pain:
- …..as a writer, pain will either PUSH you or PARALYZE you. I have experienced both but it’s not something I consider to be a bad thing. Sure, at times you need to produce but can’t seem to hear God through the pain, but His timing is impeccable and His word never returns to you void. If He has given you the gift, He will not be mocked but will deliver when its time. For us, it’s not convenient. For Him, it’s divine.
- …..as a writer, God will use pain to correct. Something that hurts could be signifying that something is not aligned. That alignment could be a result of disobedience. This could merit a THOUSAND examples but I trust God enough to know that when YOU read it, He will direct you to what is mis-aligned that is causing you pain and the inability to produce.
- …..as a writer, most people would agree that poets seem to talk about painful situations A LOT! From open-mics to slams to showcases, you seem to get more of a connection with audiences when you discuss pain. I disagree. While it may initially influence a response, I think its what comes out of pain that is key. Pain a lot of times is the byproduct to a blessing and if you listen long enough to a poem that starts a poem discussing pain, most of the time, the poet will not leave it there but illustrate the root or result of that pain that led to something greater…something better….something more profound.
At times, these 3 could feel disconnected due to the pain of the shift that’s taking place. But I’m here to encourage you, don’t disrupt the work of God due to your personal discomfort. Growth will stretch you because preparation is vital for the next phase of your life. Look at your Personal, Profession and Passion and allow GOD to do the necessary changes. I pray as you read only a summary level snippet of how I allowed God to move in these areas, it will inspire you to let Him move on your behalf.
xoxo Chiccy Baritone
Facebook: Chiccy Baritone ~ Poet
For the first 14 days of February, I received instructions from God to talk about Love…not just the mushy, everything is perfect, no issues, unrealistic kind of love because we all know love will be tested. No, this is about Love and all of its varies components. The bible is filled with scripture that is so applicable to Love and love situations and I was excited to be able to use 13 scriptures that served as inspiration for these short, about 1 minute poems (on Youtube). I didn’t want the month to be over without sharing with my Blog followers this series so below I have shared these poems. On day 14, I ended the series with a video poem called,”Highway of Love”…..to catch the videos for each poem, please visit my youtube link: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCRrn3TMAo8iz5AMjaKnQ9CQ
Proverbs 13:12 “Hope deferred makes the heart sick.”
I know what it means to wait…I mean, I had to wait 14 years to get a drivers permit, I had to wait 4 years for a high school diploma and college degree…and I can remember being a young girl playing with Barbie’s and fantasizing about having my very own Ken. Being told time and time again to concentrate on living your life, getting an education and good job then focus on being a wife. So I did those things and I waited. Even in a relationship that I thought would end in marriage, I waited….even when I knew it was not going to end that way, I still waited. A delay is not denial and a anxious heart does not mean it’s hopeless. Sick at times, tired at times, but still beating…
FB: Chiccy Baritone ~ Poet #LoveSeriesDay1 #Poetry
Proverbs 24:26 “An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips.”
I know he didn’t want to admit the pain of the past. The aroma of residue could not be eliminated through lies. Dishonesty has a way of prolonging destiny. God loves to use broken vessels. And just because it’s Jesus specialty to put broken lives back together, it doesn’t make it easy. Fear gripped him like a bully on the playground and pride threw the sucker punches to the throat. But it didn’t silence his voice. He said, he didn’t want to lose me so he persevered through the pain of pride. His honesty was like poetry to me.
FB: Chiccy Baritone ~ Poet #LoveSeriesDay2 #Poetry
Proverbs 24:32 “I applied my heart to what I observed and learned a lesson from what I saw.”
I watched my man praise God. It revealed a spiritual conversation that he didn’t share with me. He went before the throne boldly. At first, I could not help but stare because it was like the God in Him begin to minister to the sin in me that I tried to conceal. Unspoken conviction raised a praise like vomit and my mouth begin to overflow with repentance. His admiration and reverence for the King affected me. I felt my love deepen witnessing his communion with the Most High God as a powerful lead in my life and our family. The power of praise made words no longer necessary.
FB: Chiccy Baritone ~ Poet #LoveSeriesDay3 #Poetry
Song of Songs 7:1 “How beautiful your sandaled feet, O prince’s daughter! Your graceful legs are like jewels, the work of an artist’s hands.
Women with quick, long strides are trying to get to their destination. Movement builds over time and in no time she arrived looking like a bag lady. She was carrying her dignity because she had to take a job that wasn’t paying enough. She was carrying her responsibilities because she had mouths to feed. She was carrying her insecurities worried about how she looked when the load felt unbearable. She was carrying love knowing that her effort was helping out her King who God ordained as her helpmate because his hours at work were reduced indefinitely. She carried weight like a stallion beautifully.
FB: Chiccy Baritone ~ Poet #LoveSeriesDay4 #Poetry
Song of Songs 1:12 “ While the King was at his table, my perfume spread its fragrance.”
I didn’t even part my lips to speak because the conversation going on in my head was louder than the conversations taking place in the room. Like a California stop, I slowed down long enough to find my seat, my feet suddenly began to pick up speed because the 7 inch heels were unapologetic. I was wearing a new perfume scent. It took me a long time to invest in myself so I decided to wear it tonight. He rose from his seat as if he was hypnotized headed straight towards me. His look spoke a foreign language. I didn’t understand so I adjusted my hair and rubbed my lips together making sure my lipstick was smooth and even. He arrived. Paused. Smiled. And said, ”Excuse me Miss, what’s that you’re wearing?” I replied, ”Confidence.”
FB: Chiccy Baritone ~ Poet #LoveSeriesDay5 #Poetry
Song of Songs 8:6 “ Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame.
Our friendship is many calendar years old. We stop counting after love was realized but not initiated. Separate life paths were made up of unplanned meeting spots where our check-ins never concluded with us checking out. Open ended until we met again. It wasn’t life but death of a matriarch and patriarch in our individual families that created a closeness of hearts trying to mend individually and together. Laughter with you is not the same with anyone else….you have a way of bringing out that wild, belly flopping, mouth wide open not trying to be cute kind of laugh.
And it picks back up every time we meet.
This internal flame never went out but it was getting weak.
And this time, our meeting concluded with you deciding to never meet unplanned again. So you took my hand and initiated love with a check out day, time and place. The risk was becoming too great to keep meeting with no plan or experiencing a ‘no show’ due to another man.
FB: Chiccy Baritone ~ Poet #LoveSeriesDay6 #Poetry
Proverbs 10:12 “ Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses.”
I stopped paying attention. My world reduced to an island with one occupant.
And after numerous attempts and arguments to gain my attention,
your silence became loud and your presence empty…your smile no longer filled the room because you made room for someone who slowed down long enough to notice your smile. She knew your arrival to the office.
Her Good Morning greeting was well-timed and her conversation effortless.
The power of words through communication moved his mind and then his hands.
You and her. Alone.
Then Infidelity. Then a Baby.
It spiritually killed me.
But what it taught me, progressed in me, revealed in me, convicted in me, corrected in me and showed me was my love was stronger, long-suffering, wiser, deeper and tested beyond the vows of my wedding day. Love Prevails
FB: Chiccy Baritone ~ Poet #LoveSeriesDay7 #Poetry
1 Corinthians 15: 33
Do not be misled: “Bad company corrupts good character.”
He praised the reprobate mindset and fed my flesh whatever it yearned for making it harder to resist. Being connected to him was encouraging the battle to partake in sin. Countless mornings started with praise but by nightfall my mind was in a daze from all the hell he raised, what’s happening? Struggling between what’s wrong and what’s right but when I thought about life before him, I had discipline, purpose and contentment. I’ve turned into someone else because of someone else I gave my time, my mind and my soul to. His corruption created detours and distractions in the plan and purpose for my life. My money, I recovered over time but my character paid the price.
FB: Chiccy Baritone ~ Poet #LoveSeriesDay8 #Poetry
Proverbs 25:28 “ Like a city whose walls are broken through is a person who lacks self-control.”
She was a walking corpse. Dead to Life because her reckless decisions made her numb to the pain of losing control. Control over her mind and body rejected by love. She bled her insecurities openly to strangers online and at a drop of any dime from any man who pursued her. She ignored the ill will intentions of boundaries that were trespassed by well design counterfeits. Pain convinced her that standing for nothing was easier because it didn’t require a fight. Emotions are not reality. God was not present in her life. She was sinking like a ship with no sail and thought she could do it all without HIM. #EpicFail
FB: Chiccy Baritone ~ Poet #LoveSeriesDay9 #Poetry
Proverbs 26:11 “As a dog returns to its vomit, so fools repeat their folly.
He had no game…just good conversation and He paid attention.. She was a friend of a friend that caught his eye so after she accepted his Facebook request, he went on a scavenger hunt. Pictures, post, albums, repeat….his research painted a ‘picture’ of her. Cyber stalking check –ins, he decided to pull up and make his appearance seem ‘random’. He knew enough to seduce her mind long without ever touching her. But it wasn’t long before she let him touch her. Then he beat her. The confusion of a love-beat combo perpetuated until it was no longer hidden as she lived in pain and entertained death like a live in guest.
FB: Chiccy Baritone ~ Poet #LoveSeriesDay10 #Poetry
Song of Songs 2:7
Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you
by the gazelles and by the does of the field:
Do not arouse or awaken love
until it so desires
I often played too close to the line of “wait” and “regret.” Relying on physical strength to pull me back trying to stay ahead of my mind and not letting my mind lead my body, almost always led to regret. Igniting the fire of temptation with reckless wordplay I created the perfect ingredients for moments of sinful pleasure to become quick memories. This behavior stayed on repeat until my actions caused a reaction and life paused. Everything I desired for my myself became spiritually dormant due to preventable agony and no one to blame but me. I opened doors that were closed, windows that were shut and jumped gates because my desire was greater than my discipline. Time and time again God intervened and then he saved me locking that desire up for the one he has created for me.
FB: Chiccy Baritone ~ Poet #LoveSeriesDay11 #Poetry
Psalm 46: 5
God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.
I know it wasn’t right but I gave him my life before he made me his wife. I blame love and those butterflies things that seem to consume me every time I would hear his voice…or look into his eyes longer than 5 seconds, I promise you, I think he put a spell on me…or maybe slipped something in my coffee…I allowed him full access with no clearance so it became easy for him to hurt me. I can’t even begin to count the nights where I woke up to tear soaked pillows and puffy eyes, but I woke up. God kept getting me up each day to prove that He had more power than the woes of a broken heart and more purpose than a relationship that I praised more than Him.
FB: Chiccy Baritone ~ Poet #LoveSeriesDay12 #Poetry
My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.
I hate when we argue but lately it’s becoming personal. I thought we vowed to protect each other’s wounds but we behave like a covenant doesn’t exist. I would listen long enough to respond because to hear the truth about me hurt. It ignited every fear, disappointment and insecurity that I tried to hide and deny. My life was a lie I forced you to believe until you smelled the residue of death on my breathe from dead fruit you tried to reseed over and over again..you never understood why every attempt to speak life got lost in translation….I learned the art to drown sound with fast talking because it didn’t require processing…just a reckless reaction that choked and killed my marriage.
FB: Chiccy Baritone ~ Poet #LoveSeriesDay13 #Poetry
For Day 14, see video by clicking Youtube Link above